I have yet to pilfer the few remaining treats from my daughter’s Halloween candy stash and when I look around at the local stores, I find we are steeped in the holiday season. Thanksgiving doesn’t get equal billing with Christmas. In fact, this late November feast has become nothing more than an exercise to stretch our stomachs to handle the upcoming December pig-outs, which then leads us to the January 1st rebirth into fitness and healthy eating, followed immediately by the January 2nd diet failure and depression. It’s a wonderful time of the year. There are those who would say that this is a despondent way of viewing, what should be, a time for joyous celebration with family and friends. They’re called “skinny people” and I hate them. Those of us, whom haven’t actually made direct eye contact with our toes in some time, have a more realistic outlook toward the holidays. Thankfully, while I was out shopping the other day, my friend Chuck called to remind me of another interesting, yet seldom contemplated, aspect of this season. I’m referring, of course, to the numerous charitable donation stations of The Salvation Army.
What Chuck found so fascinating is that there are no other documented branches of the Salvation war machine. Why isn’t there a Salvation Navy…hmmmm? This could be a very useful way to get much needed pool equipment or water sports gear to those in need. Imagine yourself trying to fight back the tears when you see a muddy-faced, street urchin being presented with his very first kayak or a wrinkled, old man trying on a newly acquired, and barely used, Speedo. All this inspiring magic, courtesy of The Salvation Navy, would surely bring a lump to the throat of the most cynical, wretched bastard, which is really what this season is all about; making the intolerable, tolerable for a couple of months, so we don’t kill them in shopping lines. I don’t think I’d trust anything supplied by The Salvation Air Force. I could be way off here but I’m fairly certain most, not all, but most indigents have no need for used air-sick bags and complimentary headsets, which have been previously inserted into the waxy, ear canals of complete strangers. I could see potentially, the creation of The Salvation Reserves in the near future. Volunteers would only be required to work one weekend a year and they can keep their full-time jobs. They wouldn’t see any real action braving the cold, outside crowded malls, no sir! These troops would be deployed inside the confines of warm restaurants and nightclubs. Of course, a rift between the “real” Salvation Army workers and the reserves would eventually boil over into an all-out, bloodbath in the streets across America. Senseless violence and streets piled high with the dead are the kind of things communities tend to distance themselves from, especially during the holidays, so perhaps the Reserves isn’t such a good idea after all. The time spent contemplating this organization opened my eyes to a disturbing fact, that as a writer, I’m bound to share with you. Brace yourselves…The Salvation Army isn’t really an army at all. This mind-blowing truth made me start to question other aspects of our armed forces that may not be all they’re cracked up to be.
Keep this information on the down-low, as it’s highly classified. Navy SEALS aren’t actually seals. They’re not the amicable, slippery, oceanic mammals we thought they were but instead, an elite and highly trained contingent of soldiers, specializing in deadly warfare. So deadly in fact, rumor has it they can kill you, using nothing but a short length of licorice whip and a throw pillow. When I was 8, I saw “Day of the Dolphin” wherein assassinations were being executed by trained dolphins. I just figured, over time, the Navy decided to use a mammal capable of killing in the water and possessing the ability to waddle out onto dry land, assume an undercover role in a circus, honking horns and balancing large colorful balls on their snout, then kill unsuspecting, potential terrorists who were out for a day of fun under the Big Top. Brilliant!
Get this, I found another misrepresentation by a specific group of our fighting forces. Commando’s, do in fact, wear underpants! Shocking! Whenever I’ve treated myself and the “fellas” to a day or two of unconfined undie freedom, I’ve always referred to it as “Going Commando.” Well, after checking this out for myself, and a severe beating I might add, turns out they’re required to wear briefs at all times. These disturbing revelations have made me question another thing about the army which has been troubling me for quite some time.
I know, in WW II, we defeated Hitler and the Third Reich. The world celebrated and we moved on. Simple enough. Well then, why am I the only one fearful and talking about, the blatant lack of concern over the First and Second Reich curiously, still at large? The Government has hushed it all up and yet, those rogue Reich’s are out there…plotting…waiting to strike again. Combat rule number one, laid down at the Lake Geneva Convention; don’t be content destroying Reich number 3, when 1 & 2 are still out frivolously “Reiching.”
Perhaps I’ve underestimated our countries defense. Maybe that’s the mission of The Salvation Army, to sniff out and destroy factions of the free running Reich’s, under the guise of bell-ringing, common-folk dressed like the Maytag repairman. If you live long enough, you learn many interesting things you thought previously innocent and harmless. This year, I learned something vital to my future efforts on this blog…if at all possible, avoid suggestions from my friend Chuck. It can lead to WW III and who wants that so close to the holidays?
What Chuck found so fascinating is that there are no other documented branches of the Salvation war machine. Why isn’t there a Salvation Navy…hmmmm? This could be a very useful way to get much needed pool equipment or water sports gear to those in need. Imagine yourself trying to fight back the tears when you see a muddy-faced, street urchin being presented with his very first kayak or a wrinkled, old man trying on a newly acquired, and barely used, Speedo. All this inspiring magic, courtesy of The Salvation Navy, would surely bring a lump to the throat of the most cynical, wretched bastard, which is really what this season is all about; making the intolerable, tolerable for a couple of months, so we don’t kill them in shopping lines. I don’t think I’d trust anything supplied by The Salvation Air Force. I could be way off here but I’m fairly certain most, not all, but most indigents have no need for used air-sick bags and complimentary headsets, which have been previously inserted into the waxy, ear canals of complete strangers. I could see potentially, the creation of The Salvation Reserves in the near future. Volunteers would only be required to work one weekend a year and they can keep their full-time jobs. They wouldn’t see any real action braving the cold, outside crowded malls, no sir! These troops would be deployed inside the confines of warm restaurants and nightclubs. Of course, a rift between the “real” Salvation Army workers and the reserves would eventually boil over into an all-out, bloodbath in the streets across America. Senseless violence and streets piled high with the dead are the kind of things communities tend to distance themselves from, especially during the holidays, so perhaps the Reserves isn’t such a good idea after all. The time spent contemplating this organization opened my eyes to a disturbing fact, that as a writer, I’m bound to share with you. Brace yourselves…The Salvation Army isn’t really an army at all. This mind-blowing truth made me start to question other aspects of our armed forces that may not be all they’re cracked up to be.
Keep this information on the down-low, as it’s highly classified. Navy SEALS aren’t actually seals. They’re not the amicable, slippery, oceanic mammals we thought they were but instead, an elite and highly trained contingent of soldiers, specializing in deadly warfare. So deadly in fact, rumor has it they can kill you, using nothing but a short length of licorice whip and a throw pillow. When I was 8, I saw “Day of the Dolphin” wherein assassinations were being executed by trained dolphins. I just figured, over time, the Navy decided to use a mammal capable of killing in the water and possessing the ability to waddle out onto dry land, assume an undercover role in a circus, honking horns and balancing large colorful balls on their snout, then kill unsuspecting, potential terrorists who were out for a day of fun under the Big Top. Brilliant!
Get this, I found another misrepresentation by a specific group of our fighting forces. Commando’s, do in fact, wear underpants! Shocking! Whenever I’ve treated myself and the “fellas” to a day or two of unconfined undie freedom, I’ve always referred to it as “Going Commando.” Well, after checking this out for myself, and a severe beating I might add, turns out they’re required to wear briefs at all times. These disturbing revelations have made me question another thing about the army which has been troubling me for quite some time.
I know, in WW II, we defeated Hitler and the Third Reich. The world celebrated and we moved on. Simple enough. Well then, why am I the only one fearful and talking about, the blatant lack of concern over the First and Second Reich curiously, still at large? The Government has hushed it all up and yet, those rogue Reich’s are out there…plotting…waiting to strike again. Combat rule number one, laid down at the Lake Geneva Convention; don’t be content destroying Reich number 3, when 1 & 2 are still out frivolously “Reiching.”
Perhaps I’ve underestimated our countries defense. Maybe that’s the mission of The Salvation Army, to sniff out and destroy factions of the free running Reich’s, under the guise of bell-ringing, common-folk dressed like the Maytag repairman. If you live long enough, you learn many interesting things you thought previously innocent and harmless. This year, I learned something vital to my future efforts on this blog…if at all possible, avoid suggestions from my friend Chuck. It can lead to WW III and who wants that so close to the holidays?
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