The Book On Reading

I apologize for the missed blog last Friday. I was taking some much needed time off from work and I used the vacation to re-energize my thoughts and catch up on the wide variety of “Judge” shows afternoon television has to offer. Also, this blog marks the 2 year anniversary of wowing you with quirky observations and madcap personal mishaps. Anyway, I decided to do something constructive during my vacation, something meaningful, fulfilling and certain to impress other people, whom over the years have been completely unimpressed by my life, thus far. I read a book.

Not just any book, mind you. It was over 100 pages with no pictures, punch-lines or centerfold pull-outs! I can tell right now that you’re looking at me in a whole new light because now you know I’ve recently read a book. It’s an impressive feat, no doubt. That’s why when adults get together, you can elevate yourself in status by announcing to the group, “Hey, I’m reading this fascinating book…” This proclamation has a two-fold effect. Instantly, other adults stop what they’re doing and fixate on whatever you say because you’re a book-reader, an intellect, a scholar. This places you one rung higher on the social ladder than the mindless non-readers. Consequently, the non-reader will think to themselves, “ I have GOT to start reading again. I’m just lazy.” Now your audience starts to question their own abilities and mentally criticize themselves, which knocks them down at least 2 rungs on the social ladder. By my math, a public admission of reading a book gives you respect, makes others feel bad about themselves and widens the gap of your social standing by three whole rungs! And isn’t that what life’s all about; building yourself up in the eyes of others, while they tear themselves down?

If you really want to make them feel bad, offer to give them the book so they can read it. Most people will accept the offer because rejecting it would be a public admission of wanting to remain stupid. Politely, they’ll take the book, knowing full well they have no intention of reading it. They’ll bring the book home, place it on the table in the living room, next to the reading chair…the chair never used for reading. Some will even go so far as to place their reading glasses next to or on top of the book, to create a realistic picture of someone in the middle of reading a book. And there it will sit…unread…while they watch T.V. Only a fool would return the book the next day, so most people adhere to the universal, 2-week possession rule for book borrowing. Any amount of time less than that and you’re tipping your hand that you didn’t really read it. Exceeding the 2 weeks and you run the risk of people thinking you’re a moron for taking so long to read a book. Perpetuating the façade of reading, to cover one’s laziness, is a viable reason why books go unread. There are medical reasons, as well.

I’ve heard people complain that when they read, their eyes itch and start to water. They’ll swear there’s something small in-between the pages, which causes their eyes to burn. The tiny particles that bother people’s eyes are called letters. String them together with other letters and you make words. Combine words and you get sentences. The burning sensation is due to friction caused by ocular overload…or reading. The watering of the eyes comes from a different source.

Books are nothing more than really thick, hard-covered or paperback, sleeping pills ingested through the eyeballs, which causes yawning and thusly, watering of the eyes…drooling is not out of the question, either. This explains why some people read in bed and why the Department of Motor Vehicles frowns upon reading while driving. After a page or two, the reader will, more than likely, be unconscious. Not that it’s a bad thing to be comatose while sleeping, in fact, I highly recommend it. Now driving while asleep, even though I don’t have hard data in hand or haven’t conducted extensive lab studies, exposes one to possible dings, dents and the haphazard, blind slaughter of countless innocents, as you mow down pedestrians while deep in R.E.M. sleep. Again, drooling is not out of the question, either. However, I can’t sit here in good conscience and not admit, I have gone for lengthy stretches of road and suddenly awoken from a trance, wherein I can’t recall for the life of me, where I am and how I got there. I’ll snap to and yell out,

“Holy shit! Where the hell am I!?! Wait…I remember passing a McDonald’s and a Jiffy-Lube. That was like, miles ago! How did I get here!?!”

Then I’ll shake my head violently to awaken myself and put both hands on the steering wheel because we all know, putting both hands on the wheel tells the world, “Dammit, I’m serious about driving!” The same thing happens when reading. Who hasn’t been reading and suddenly snapped out of a trance to realize you have no idea what you’re reading. You’ll turn back a page or two only to find nothing seems familiar. When this happens while driving, we don’t go back and re-drive the areas we can’t remember, so similarly, after reading unconscious for a spell, we’ll justify not re-reading missed chapters by telling ourselves,

“It probably wasn’t too important…a lot of fluff, I bet…otherwise I woulda remembered what I read.” I’ve used this argument myself on entire books and several college classes.

In fact, it was at college that me and my friend, Morty, actually overdosed on reading. Bound and determined to get serious about our college careers, Morty and I found the perfect place to study. Word on the street was, you could really get a lot of uninterrupted study completed in the basement of the Law Library. We descended deep into the earth under the library, with each step the moist air cooled and the itchy smell of ancient, yellowing parchment filled our noses. We found a couple of isolated cubicles, separated from each other by wooden partitions. I opened my book and excitedly started down my new-found path of serious, collegiate study. About an hour later, I awoke, with both arms stretched out from my sides and my neck snapped back behind me like a giant Pez dispenser. Embarrassed but somehow still able to find humor in my failure to remain awake and be a big boy, I peered around the wood partition and laughed to Morty,

“Dude. You’re not gonna believe what I just did.”

When I saw Morty, I knew he would understand my plight. He chose the slumped forward approach for his nap. His arms hung freely down at his side while his full body-weight was supported by just his head. His right cheek filled the void between page 256 and 257 and his agape mouth provided an escape route for spit to soak through the better part of chapter 9 in “A Beginner’s Guide to Modern Engineering.” As we left in obvious shame, we both agreed it was the best sleep we had in years.

So yes, I have accomplished an enviable task. I have read a book this year. I plan on reading another, perhaps in the future. Not the near future because as I’ve told you, I just re-energized from a week long vacation. Right now I feel alive and ready to take on the world. Give me a week or so and I’ll be ready for a good snooze. Can you recommend anything I can pretend to read?