You Know You're Old When...

You know you're getting old when...

1). Although you're not a smoker, every morning you manage to cough up lung cookies in the shower.

2). You get up from sitting in a chair and unconsciously, make noises from the stress of standing up. Also, while sitting in the chair, you make other disgusting noises, which can also be heard or smelled when you're in the shower, sleeping, eating dinner, watching T.V. or whenever there's an uncomfortable silence and the family needs a good laugh.

3). You've mounted a bike and truly feared for a brief moment that you might not live through this experience.

You know you're getting old when...

4). You discover your arms are too short to read a menu.

5). You are willing to clean your ears with anything...especially matches, hair pins, car keys or if you haven't had any coffee, a very small screwdriver.

6). ...wait...what was number 6? I had it a second ago...

You know you're getting old when...

7). You have to pass gas and you're really scared because you're not absolutely sure if it's going to come out in gaseous or solid form. And when you decide to "go for broke" and let loose, you literally breathe a sigh of relief when it comes out gas, as though it was some kind of accomplishment.

8). You've thought you were in the midst of having a heart attack and actually sat down at the computer and Google searched the tell-tale symptoms of a heart attack. You've also, at some point, did some research on other lumps, moles, hairs and involuntary muscle twitches that you were certain to be symptoms of a life threatening disease.

You know you're getting old when...

9). The soda induced belches, in your youth, which you so loudly expelled are now replaced with painful acid reflux burps discreetly performed with closed mouth, to keep deadly stomach acid from spewing forth and miaming friends and family, like the creature from Alien.

10). You dance at weddings and you incorporate, in your dance moves, any of the following.
-clapping
-any pointing and moving of the index finger held up in the air
-doing "the monkey"
-finding another old person to do the "can-can" with you
-any move associated with "The Charleston", especially the illusion of knocking your knees together.

11). You're cultivating eyebrow hairs as coarse as banjo strings and as curly as pubes.

And lastly, you know you're getting old when...

12). You announce to the family your intent to have a bowel movement.

"Does anyone have to get in the bathroom? I'm gonna be in there a while."

Also, other signs of aging include, taking up residence in the bathroom for more than 1 hour or you bring a newspaper in with you. Also, you know you're old if you've ever heard any of the following terms associated with a one of your visits to the bathroom.

"crippled"
"wrecked"
Or if upon entering the bathroom after you finished up, someone felt in necessary to invoke the Almighty's name in disgust,
"Good Lord!"
"Jesus!"
"Christ Almighty!"
...and followed up invocation by questioning whether or not you were human.

If you found that any of these traits applied to you, don't be embarrassed. Embrace your maturation with dignity and class. Just don't come over to my house.